Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
-Galatians 6:1a, 2, 9

I am reading and rereading the above verses to remind me, sometimes by the hour, that this path we are walking is not in vain.

Our 2-year anniversary from the call is staring us in the face. And I’m recognizing that my children are not the only ones who suffer triggers from “traumaversaries.” My ability to cope with childishness is at an all-time low. I am quick to grow irritated at trivial missteps. And I feel like sending all my kids to a sleepaway camp for the entire summer.

This song came on the radio during the drive to church this past weekend.

Its message resonates so deeply with me in this season. I desperately want to believe that redemption will win in my circumstances. I am tired of fighting to remain hopeful. I am weary of the vigilance required to keep my thoughts focused on Christ when apathy and bitterness are such easier pills to swallow right now. I must remind myself that it was not only our parental duty but our spiritual one to bring Asher to the authorities so that “we might restore him with gentleness.” And we continue to bear the burdens of each of our children as they process and heal knowing that each day is a mini battle for different reasons and in different ways. They too are fighting to stay soft.

And let us not grow weary of doing what is good.

What is good for our situation? Is it standing by while Asher rails against us so that he can see unconditional love? Is it refusing to allow Asher to speak to us with disrespect so he can face the truth that we are not his to manipulate depending on his current mood? Is it giving space for our children who still occasionally blow up from triggers and stress? Is it requiring higher functioning even in the face of difficult emotions knowing each child has the necessary tools at this point?

What is the balance?

Growing up in a difficult home environment makes accepting grace a challenge to say the very least. I desperately want to know the “right” answer so I don’t “get in trouble.” I want to do what is right, but when everything is gray, how do I know what that is? And when the verse tells me that I will reap only when I do not grow weary of doing what is right, the stakes suddenly increase exponentially.

So, I return to the beginning of this same set of verses and trust that others have my back. If I’m walking in sin and not understanding what right is, then they will gently restore me. If I’m growing weary of doing what is right, then they will help carry this burden. And when people fail, my savior will not. His grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in my weakness.